Chronically Distracted

I’ve re-counted all the days and it’s all done, my three hundered and sixty five days of blog posts. There may not exactly be writing for a each day, but there are pictures and youtube videos where there is less writing.
This did keep with my original plan, because I wrote pre day 1, “I’m planning on using pictures to help illustrate my stories a little, and youtube videos to make them interesting (and for the days when I'm not able or just don't have the energy to post more).” Hey, I totally forsaw that, go me!

The part I didn’t quite get to writing about as much happened to be what I had planned to be the main focus of the 365 days of writing, Portland.
The plan I wrote:
“I plan to write or post for 365 days about what it was like living in Portland, the
move up there, the move back, and trying to get used to being back. I’ll also write
about other things (like crocheting!), but my main focus will be on the trip and
what I learned and how I may have changed.”

Not spending 365 days on Portland is fine with me because although the trip shaped who I am now, I don’t think I need to be spouting or blabbering and forcing myself to write about a topic in a blog that is only for fun. I wrote about trips, annoyances, mr. boyfriend, wanting to move forward, and all about me, and I surely ignored writing rules. Not sure if people enjoyed that or not, but it became a comfortable style for me.

This blog turned into a slightly absurd, hopefully informative, exhausted effort in writing and expressing myself everday.
I love it, got tired of it, and am so excited with having finished it. It may not have been the best of my writing, but finally I felt comfortable not having to write perfectly everyday.
I’ll be keeping up this blog, I have some plans for this summer and Friday kitty video day will probably be kept up a bit. Not posting everday, but I’ll keep on posting.

For the next couple of days, tho, I’m taking a big break. And it’s going to be nice to not have to worry about finding an internet connection since on out and about!

Thanks to everyone who’s read and commented, it’s be so great to get to know people and hear different views on what I’ve written about. If anyone has any comments, explanations, or improvements I could make, please let me know!

[gonna check for typos later! running out of time!]

Vacation Log. Monday, 7:00 p.m.

Portland has more trees, and is smaller. But there are a lot of cute doggies here. There are way more big buildings, and it feels smaller than San Francisco, but still imposing in the city-ness of it all.

The space needle looks a lot cooler than I expected it too, and hopefully it will be equally as fun to look at when we actually go. The Jim Henson’s Fantastic World exhibit is probably going to be totally awesome.

At the airport the security guy liked my astronaut elementary shirt :D


The sky is clearer than I expected, and Pikes Place Market much more alive than I thought. People selling interesting wears. I missed out on a fresh fruit smoothie, ended up getting an “emerald city smoothie” instead.

Bought a small, pretty flower vase to mount on the wall, and also got two satchels of lavender.

Very curious about where we’re going to eat dinner tonight.

End Log for the day.

[Tomorrow: Hopeful reflections on the past 364 days, and plans for the future. I'm excited for a break, but it's going to be weird not posting everyday.]

Man, after having a successful school career getting my B.A. I just tripped. up. registering for classes.

My perfectionism took over, I took too long to register (by three days). I totally got (most) of the classes I needed, just not necessarily the sections I thought I would get. Not a disappointment, because I figure it'll all be good, however I'm disappointed in myself for not taking advantage of the time beforehand to be ready for the actual day of registration.

But! Guess what? I'm going to try, in my perfectionist state, to let it go. Because I see what's happening, my brain has decided that since grad school is unknown territory the best approach is to dive in full of fear and drive using a perfectionist map where failure is not an option but the only one I can see.

It's easy to gather from that reflection that perhaps I shouldn't actually starting worrying about how difficult the classes will be until they actually start. So that way I can be rested and not nervous wreck in August. Rested and ready to Rock.

Plus, the upside to all the research I did is that I know more about the classes than I would have otherwise!

Now, to make up once again for Friday Kitty Video Day, here is a very short video, but with purr love for reallyginnyf:



(source: http://www.love-and-hisses.com/?m=200808&paged=10)

I'm posting this now, to be added to later.

We're having an art day! And I'm having a stress day. Trying to pick classes.

Altho the art day part is full of beautiful assemblage and collage and awesomeness and cute doll heads.
Along with some Opera: http://sfopera.com/o/275.asp

Which is why I'll be out late tonight, and why I'm really excited! Opera singing is an amazing feat of lung power and skill. I love it. The power of music, muscle, and voice is amazing.

So, future update in this space, after I have seen my first live opera!

Update:
Yeah, um, the Opera is amazing. It also ends very late at night. It nearly made me cry but I managed to keep it together much better than when I saw Up. Only because crying = nose running = blowing nose = make a lot of noise in a very quiet theater (except that poor lady whose cell phone started ringing Right At The Saddest Part).

At the Opera house in San Francisco we saw La Traviata, set in the 1920s Jazz era. Which essentially meant that while we were waaaay up in the balcony (like, up about five flights of stairs), we could see tiaras and dresses sparkle. Even though I knew the story, having read the synopsis, the actors, the singing, the set, the clothes, pulls you from the your seat four rows down from the very top into a story of love and devotion and sadness.

Someday, I'm totally sitting in the box seats.

Guess what I forgot to mention yesterday?!

I received one of the scholarships I applied for. :D :D I'm going to be getting a whole bunch of library related stuff, and I am so excited. Especially because I'll be connected with other library students, and with groups that will hopefully help me be a part of the community.

Looking forward (to the future) to being a part of a set community, of learning a set of skills particular to a field, learning the lingo, I can feel the anticipation. It's growing as I learn more, along with the nervousness.

I'm really hoping that this is the kind of nervousness that comes before a performance, where it really is giving you the energy to go forth and get things done.

Like registering for classes, which I'm hopefully going to do tomorrow and just go for it. Instead of going back and forth about the different sections, teachers I know nothing about, hoping everything works out.

Being scared of having a bad experience shouldn't stop me, I should have the perspective that even if a class is not what I hoped it would be, it doesn't mean that I'll never have a good class ever again. (I kinda hadn't thought about that til this moment, self-reflection blogging is helpful!)

So here's to having more perspective, jumping in, with a side of caution, and the last 4 days of the 365!!!

In Pictures. And Food. (HAPPY BIRTHDAY DAD!)


















Sleep time now!
(5 more days to go! Anyone else excited?)

Not really ready, I have classes to sign up for and am short on clues as to how to choose which section.

Draw a circle, put the sections numbers around the circle, put a pinhole in the mirror and attach an spinning arrow, give it a spin and let that decide?

Put the numbers in a hat and choose that way?

Compile a comprehensive list of each teacher, their specialities, past syllabi, assignments in past syllabi, and then decide?

Close my eyes and point?

Write the names on pieces of paper, throw the paper on the floor, and choose the first one ms. clover sniffs at?

Or just do all of them, then make a decision based on which name comes up the most?

I'm sure I'll think of something.

Next major decision? Should I buy the rest of the Rent movie soundtrack, or just a few more select songs so I can buy that episode of Psyche that takes place in a novela?

Each time food I'm about to eat something I've suddenly found myself sniffing at it first. Like a kitty, I suppose. Or a wolf! I make an attempt to be discrete, even tho I don't notice it's happening until after I've started. And hopefully it looks cute, if it's at all noticeable.

Have any of you ever craved lavender before? Or tea? Because I have been, and I dunno if it's connected to my new habits of wanting to take a sniff at whatever I'm about to eat. Oh, and I mostly drink herbal tea, so I know nothing about "real" tea.

Odd thing may be, I'm enjoying it. Like a new sense is being alerted now that things are changing and I'm moving on. I have to take more classes than I expected the first time around, so I can be a full time student, but drinking tea (at this point it's mostly chamomile and mint, with a lil bit of green tea but I may venture out a bit) and taking in smells of food and drinks has been quite lovely.

It could be a bit of a calming ritual, but I don't wanna think about it too too much. Don't want to ruin how slightly unaware I have been about all this for the past few weeks. Even though I'm writing about it. I might google lavender, because there has got to be a reason I want lavender so much, when I've never especially loved the smell (I like it, just not love).

This all means, of course, that I get to do lots and lots of research and I'm excited :D I love researching, even if by the time I'm done I'm on information overload and unsure if I can implement anything I learned into my life. Either way the more I read the more answers I get, I just need to get an organizational system in gear.

Right now going to finish my tea and see if we have any lavender eye pillows I can use.

We got to the airport, and mom and I told dad that we were gonna go grab a pretzel. I'm always hungry, you know.

I excitedly rushed over to where the pretzels are, where we met my sister. My mom, sister, and I all giggled and smiled and talked as we waited for my pretzel. We walked down the hall, predicting a reaction, rushing but not, to where my dad waited.

As we turned the corner and my father came into view he smiled, a little unsure, wondering why he saw my sister walking with us, where she had come from, where she was going, as my mom yelled out "Surprise!"

We all grinned happily as we surprised my Dad with a visit from my sister for his birthday, which he totally didn't expect, and we all get to hang out for a week for some birthday fun!

I love June.

Today we all went to the zoo. :D. The Oregon Zoo.
Before that we went to the rose garden and the japanese garden, where everything is serene, beautiful, and luscious, depending on where you looked.

Now I'm watching the fantastic Tony awards, Next To Normal looks amazing. :D :D What can I say, it's been a good day.

And at the rose garden we found the name of a rose, on the lists and lists of the roses names. The rose plant named Cinco de Mayo. Obviously I had to investigate:



I like it. Not sure why it's named Cinco de Mayo, but it's quite an attractive flower.
It smells beautiful at the rose garden.

Then, later at the Zoo, I saw this beautiful creature:

A barn owl up close.

These too:




Later, I shared an amazing burrito and nachos with mr. boyfriend at http://www.laughingplanetcafe.com/, and I'm extremely jealous that there isn't one where I live. Tomorrow is back home where I'll only have wistful memories of Portland to cling to until my next visit.

I forgot friday kitty video day again!! Guess it'll have to be replacement kitty video saturday again, heh. Which actually works out for me, 'cause vacation has been fuun!

Today I saw Back to the Future with Mr. Boyfriend at the student run theater on campus, a sweet date after not having seen him for a while, and not knowing when I'm going to be able to come back (soonish, I hope, but never as soon as I wish). We, family and me, had a lovely breakfast with friends and new friends, yummy and lovely.

Here's another maru video, hopes you like it:


Kitty noises and green eyes:

I'm a horrible person.

I ate an antelope burger.

It was amazing. Almost a nutty flavor, lighter than beef, and delicious.

If I could I would blame my father, the vegan. Because he suggested it to me, and, I have to admit, my eyes lit up. Obviously it was my decision in the end, and it was a delicious decision.
We were eating at a restaurant I had been curious about, via pictures ms. honeybear had been posting in her flickr. Everyone else had or shared delicious veggie burgers (I know 'cause I had a piece). I became the lone animal killer, but in my defense every other animal on the menu looked to be, by the description, the kind grown and raised in a healthy environment.

Also, it's kinda a thrill to be able to say I ate an antelope burger. All my carnivorous friends are gonna be jealous.

My vegan father, whom I have many memories of eating steaks with, thought I'd like it 'cause he tried it, and thank goodness for sane portions because I was actually able to eat the whole thing. With some fries, of course. We also asked the waiter if they could go easy on the salt.

It may not be my proudest moment (it wasn't my not-proudest moment either), but it was so good and it gave me a little story to tell.

It also sparked a conversation about my annoyance over a few green websites touting vegetarianism and veganism as a great saving grace. As if, if we would all become either of those the world would be saved. I think being a vegetarian or a vegan is and can be extremely important, whether for health reasons or to protest the horrible treatment of animals done by too many companies. But calling it the great saviour is not true, when if everyone became vegetarians we would have to cut through so much land and kill habitats for many animals. On top of that, supporting sustainably grown animals that have grown over time to rely on a healthy farming system to survive, like cows and chickens, we keep the variety of farm animals that are out there from dying out.

I may be a horrible person who eats meat, but I'm gonna try to do it in good conscience, and eat vegan and veggie when I can 'cause that food is gooood.

Also? I totally ate an antelope burger. :D

(To even it out, I also ate at laughing planet again, bowl of organic potatoes, corn, broccoli, and cheddar cheese = YUM).

Oh, Portland.

I love being back where I'm familiar with several places, and can't wait to go traipsing around downtown and other areas. It's muggy and rainy, we had to run to our hotel after having dinner. I'm not sure if I could live here, but visiting fills me with happiness.

It could be because this is the only place I have lived away from all that has been familiar to me, having grown up in one county. Here I had to make the familiar, and even though every time I comeback I either have a hard time with certain aspects of it here or I love the trees and the way the buildings are arranged, I made some kind of connection.

I enjoy the brick buildings, but not the streets that I find scary. Maybe I like the way the blocks are arranged and I can actually get myself to one side of downtown to the other without feeling it necessary to get into a car. The crazy weather can be amusing except when it makes me miss less insane California weather. My anxiety grows when I feel surrounded by strangers who could possibly be crazy (as my experience has told me), but the very fact that I am taking the risk to walk on streets by myself makes me feel a bit stronger, even if momentarily. Everything changes every time I come back.

Hope my last post wasn't too much of a downer, I didn't mean it to be!

Just all the thoughts zipping around because of the extreme show I watched, the need for a concrete thing I can do to help create change.

Which is why I'm still going crazy doing research, looking for those soap and shampoos and conditioners and toothpastes and everything.

Now I'm participating in the mainstream by watching Make Me A Supermodel. What can I say, superficiality can be fascinating, no? By that I mean I love the art, the drama, and looking at how it actually all comes together. Modeling is such a strange process.

But that's really not what tonight's all about. Tonight's all about packing, stuffing suitcases, anticipating, planning, watching Firefly commentary, excited phone calls, interneting, and trying to finish up left overs.

Like artichoke dip.

This morning I got up early to get some labs drawn, managed a mishap with lab paperwork, and came home. In a few days I'll be away and vacationing and I'm oh-so excited. Will there be pictures? Of course! More rambling posts about nothing? Probably! Obsessive ranting about trying to remember which ingredients are bad for me and which are good? I wouldn't doubt it!

For realsies now (I try not to use that too much, promise) I'm nearing the end of this, and wondering what I've been doing all along, how I've made it thru the 352 days so far, the many youtube videos I've used. What I've said and who I've said it to may surprise me when I go back and read it all, but hopefully I won't be too embarrassed by it all.

I'm excited about vacation and the end of the 365, hopefully I can summon some more creativity to push me through the next few days.

(Any requests about anything I should write about? I'll give almost anything a shot!)

I'm going to visit the land of my one year away in a coupla days.

I should probably check the weather to make sure I pack the right kind of clothes. Cold? Hot? Is it summer there by now? I can't remember.

Admittedly we're watching Earth 2100 right now, on abc, and it's scary. A scenario of future disasters due to human over-consumption and unwillingness to change. While terrifying, the idea to create change is all the more compelling. Even when the information is so overwhelming that it makes it quite simple to just block out the static of change, mosquito buzz of what could should would be done.

I'm not extremely proactive. Giving speeches and pounding the podium is more of an emerging style in me than a natural tendency. But now maybe I should start trying new things, being more do-it-yourself, and actively learning so that I can at least be armed with information and try to achieve a level mind about what I can do.

Even harder is the idea of inflicting change on others who can't afford change it at the moment. I wish organic food and products weren't so expensive. I wish I had a job where I could afford to get those things, and it'd made change simple.

'Course change isn't simple, trying to exercise more is hard and can be embarrassing if you don't feel like you know what you're doing, changing a diet can feel like being punished for no reason, working harder for what feels like no reason can leave one tired, exhausted.

It's that injection of hope as proclamations of how much change can be created in a short time, the window of opportunity that is there and can be taken advantage of, that's a great force to move forward.

Being optimistic, 'specially when the enviro-doomsayers are also excited about all the growth and development that can happen, is actually really nice. I feel like I can actually do things.

Which basically means, time to start doing more research and actually planting that garden!

Oh the drama!
Ups and downs of emotions, the highs of graduation, the lows of moving, the low of mis-counting the days of the 365 so I have to go through the 350s again, the highs of getting things done, the lows of having more things to get done.

Time for an up!

Life after graduation, it's been pretty sweet. My room is messy, but that's normal. My closet is becoming a baby step closer to being organized; see I have all these plastic bin/drawers in there with no idea what's *actually* in them, but now! I'm labeling, and it's real nice to actually have some clue as to what's hiding behind the closet door.

Even though I probably decided on the purple window decoration, the purple flower print comforter, the purple window spinny thingie, when I was in my tweens and teens, it's a surprising soothing color (more lavender than purple, I guess). The room looks purdy, and I feel comfortable in it, which didn't happen as much before. I'm converting it back into my space, and not the holding room for me and stuff between dorm rooms. The purple may be why I've been craving lavender, or I just really want to relax. I'm not entirely sure what craving lavender means.

There's this nice concrete motion forward, 'cause I have classes I'm going to get into and things I'm going to learn and organization that I'm going to make happen all because I want to, because it will feel good to know where everything is and how to get to it. That includes stuff in my room and knowledge in databases.

Also, I cooked something good!! My summer plans consist of crocheting, video gaming, cooking, and organizing. An reading.
I cooked this yummy-ness, some artichoke dip whose only non-vegan ingredient (as far as I can tell) is the parmesan cheese: http://www.101cookbooks.com/archives/baked-artichoke-dip-recipe.html
I made it all in one pan. It's nice and light, not heavy like artichoke dip usually is. Mmm. Garlicky too. Yummm.

And I hung out with Ms. M, she knitted and I crocheted, and wow it was nice to hang out with a friend I hadn't seen in a few months.

Really, looking it over, I'm off to a good start!

I'm trying to teach myself how to stay calm when I begin to feel upset.
Upset and seething. Angry and frustrated.

A coping mechanism I often used in the past was to enlist the help of a cast of characters to unleash whatever pain or fury, or angst, that hit me like a rush of hard air. Imagination is inspiration, and given my immense cast of characters I came up with it helped.

In this time, after five years of college and graduation, the reminders of the reality of everyday keeps me from hiding out in an alcove of a world I have imagined. Instead the instant action I crave is not satisfied by a few scenarios run through my mind. I want, but it feels like need, instant action to be at hand, ready.

What's a young lady to do?

Deep breaths help to a point. Controlling something within me. Deep breathing can become a process of seeking the balance that has been hit so hard it's spun around.

I need more, though. Because usually when I get upset I look for instant distraction, soothing and happy. Ignore what's happening and pretend it doesn't matter, because usually it shouldn't. I discovered that I'm so used to watching DVD commentary on Dr. Horrible and Firefly that when I'm upset I automatically want to go watch it. To sleep I think which HIMYM or Firefly episode will I watch tonight to help me be distracted from the part between being awake and being asleep?

I want to learn how to release the anger I feel towards actions that are just stupid and do not need attention, and to control my energy so I can use it with the best of intentions.

Before that I have to learn how to keep myself from reaching too far for controlling, over doing it, giving up, and reeling back into chaos just to feel balanced. So many intricacies to keep in mind.

Eh, for now, I'll try reading as a distraction, maybe changing it up will do that trick. At some point though, I'm gonna figure out this path to balance. After I finish watching that one episode of the Firefly with the great commentary.
G'night.

I forgot about kitty video day!

I also finished moving, hooray! Just gotta unpack. My own kitty has decided the desk chair I brought back is super comfy and is currently taking up residence on it.

The return of Maru! The kitty owned by someone or someones in Japan who posts so many videos and makes people around the world happy! Or bored, you can choose for yourself. Hee, kitty bowling:



This one is weird, but around 49 seconds I started laughing really hard. It may just be my weird sense of humor, so feel free to express how not entertaining it is. It's also really weirdly elaborately set up, what's with the cigarettes?


I'll try to do better kitty video research for the next kitty video friday (which may be the last one!)

ETA: So screwed up and miscounted a day. Looks like instead of 357 it's 348, so more kitty video days to come!!!!

There's an accent missing up there in the title.

( Grad Pictures! You know you wanted to see more. )

Details.
Packing and details.

All of my things, except a few cleaning supplies, are back in my parents home, my home, and the only strange part is doing things I've done forever in dorms and the recent apartment, habits I've picked up living alone that are going to be re-adapted to living with the two people I've known all my life.

I've been watching shows that are usually my lunch and dinner companions as I eat at my desk in my room, entertainment and company at the same time. The only difference is now it's not just me and the tv show, my attention absorbed as I wonder what two of my favorite bloggers at http://www.projectrungay.blogspot.com/ are going to say. There's two other people who are going about the daily life. It's a conversion into living with two people I have interacted with all my life and adding a dynamic that has been all mine to the mix. That doesn't happen very often amongst the tight-knit family unit that we've become and have worked to maintain. My new balancing act, trying not to act out like a toddler trying to figure out independents (toddler, not teenager, 'cause I didn't really do that as a teen), trying to be "grown-up" without forcing myself to act like a stereotype that I hate. I want to be cartoon loving, fashion reality TV watching, listening to punk music and broadway show, girly girl who would love to own a pair of vegan steel toed boots, figuring out how to do this adult dance of taking care of the details. And the unpacking.
It's work to just let myself be and not assume judging eyes are always upon me, but either I learn from this or I get stuck in a rut of putting myself down just because I don't measure up to my idea of perfection. I gotta quit this addiction to wanting to be the perfect so-and-so for many situations.

It's gotta change at some point, if I work at it. Might as well add another learning experience that I actually want on top of all the ones that I don't want to deal with (she said with as much positivity in her voice as she could muster).

There are boxes to unpack and things I need to find places for. I wish I had a momentary infinite amount of space just to store everything so I can go through it easily and without hurried stress.

Oh, and I messed up the inside of my cheek and I think bit it in my sleep and it's been huuuuurting. Hopefully some salt water will heal it up fast.